HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN

Show up naked ..... and bring beer.
kk

A Zen student came to Bankei and complained: "Master, I have an ungovernable temper. How can I cure it?"

"You have something very strange," replied Bankei. "Let me see what you have."

"Just now I cannot show it to you," replied the other.

"When can you show it to me?" asked Bankei.

"It arises unexpectedly," replied the student.

"Then," concluded Bankei, "it must not be your own true nature. If it were, you could show it to me at any time. When you were born you did not have it, and your parents did not give it to you. Think that over."

A Zen master named Gisan asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.

The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.

"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even one drop of water in this temple?"

The young student attained Zen in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.

.1)Democratic Navigation:

A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps .
After several hours they became hopelessly lost.
One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks,
consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, 'OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'

.2)Official Language Of Europe:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

.Tanzan and Ekido were once travelling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling.

Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.

"Come on, girl," said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.

Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. "We monks don't do near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"
kk

1) .why did the shark spit out the clown?
Cz he tasted funny

2) .knock knock.
who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! ("I love you" in a southern accent)

3).What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dsylexic?
Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog

4).What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get your girl back, your dog back, your pick-up back, and you stop drinking.

5).Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

6)Three tomatos were out taking a walk in the woods one day.; a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato and a little baby tomato.
Its not long until the little tomato lags behind. The daddy tomato walks back to where the little tomato is kicking rocks and STOMPS on him and tells him to Catch up! ( ketchup)

."Hyakujo, the Chinese Zen master, used to labor with his pupils even at the age of eighty, trimming the gardens, cleaning the grounds, and pruning the trees.

The pupils felt sorry to see the old teacher working so hard, but they knew he would not listen to their advice to stop, so they hid away his tools.

That day the master did not eat. The next day he did not eat, nor the next. "He may be angry because we have hidden his tools," the pupils surmised. "We had better put them back."

The day they did, the teacher worked and ate the same as before. In the evening he instructed them: "No work, no food." kk

."A long time ago in China there were two friends, one who played the harp skilfully and one who listen skillfully.

When the one played or sang about a mountain, the other would say: "I can see the mountain before us."

When the one played about water, the listener would exclaim: "Here is the running stream!"

But the listener fell sick and died. The first friend cut the strings of his harp and never played again. Since that time the cutting of harp strings has always been a sign of intimate friendship."

There were two apples on a counter.
The fisrt apple says HI to the other apple.
Then the second apple yells in shock, "OMG, it's a talking apple!"
kk

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die" she replied.

Hugs,kk

.Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

1.Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...

2.L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.

3.Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

4.Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?

5.Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

6.ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

7.Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

8.Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

9.Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

10.Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

11.Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

12.Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

13.Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

14.Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

15.Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

16.The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

17.Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
Hilarious kiki

"On this particular afternoon a fly fell into my tea. This was, of course, a minor occurrence. After a year in India I considered myself to be unperturbed by insects -- by ants in the sugar bin, spiders in the cupboard, and even scorpions in my shoes in the morning. Still, as I lifted my cup, I must have registered, by my facial expression, or a small grunt, the presence of the fly. Choegyal Rinpoche, the eighteen-year-old tulku leaned forward in sympathy and consternation.

"What is the matter?"

"Oh, nothing," I said. "It's nothing -- just a fly in my tea." I laughed lightly to convey my acceptance and composure. I did not want him to suppose that mere insects were a problem for me; after all, I was a seaseoned India-wallah, relatively free of Western phobias and attachments to modern sanitation.

Choegyal crooned softly, in apparent commiseration with my plight, "Oh, oh, a fly in the tea."

"It's no problem," I reiterated, smiling at him reassuringly. But he continued to focus great concern on my cup. Rising from his chair, he leaned over and inserted his finger into my tea. With great care he lifted out the offending fly -- and then exited from the room. The conversation at the table resumed. I was eager to secure Khamtul Rinpoche's agreement on plans to secure the high-altitude wool he desired for the carpet production.

When Choegyal Rinpoche reentered the cottage he was beaming. "He is going to be all right," he told me quietly. He explained how he had placed the fly on the leaf of a branch of a bush by the door, where his wings could dry. And the fly was still alive, because he began fanning his wings, and we cold confidently expect him to take flight soon...

That is what I remember of that afternoon -- not the agreements we reached or plans we devised, but Choegyal's report that the fly would live. And I recall, too, the laughter in my heart. I could not, truth to tell, share Choegyal's dimensions of compassion, but the pleasure in his face revealed how much I was missing by not extending my self-concern to all beings, even to flies. Yet the very notion that it was possible gave me boundless delight."

sunny days to u all,kk

1)Man Utd jokes - Sir Alex Ferguson manages the richest club in the world. As the Envy of many, they and the man u fans seem to get joked about alot. Play at Old Trafford.

2)Celtic jokes - Scottish club with Irish heritage. Fans known as Tims, play at Paradise or Parkhead. Bitter Rivalry with Rangers supporters. Celtic in the past known for biscuit tin mentality.

3)Rangers jokes - Old firm fans get a lot of jokes made about them. Gers fans are known as Bears or Huns - the club plays at Ibrox.

4)David Beckham jokes - World's most famous footballer. Marketing man's dreams. Married to Posh Spice Victoria. Joke writers dream. Has Kids called Brooklyn and Romeo Beckham.

5)Liverpool jokes - Scowser ( Liverpudlian ) fans known for their cheeriness. They play at Anfield, famous for the Kop, singing 'you'll never walk alone'. Have won a lot of Uefa trophies.

6)Chelsea jokes - An English club with a string of foreign coaches that flatters to deceive. Made up nowadays of many foreigners, their fans are somewhat feared. Play at Stamford Bridge.

7)Arsenal jokes - The gunners play at highbury in London. French manager, rarely win away in Europe.

8)Newcastle jokes - Toon fans from North known for their drinking and wacky humor. Gazza was a gordie. Sir Bobby Robson manages them. Not known for winning much...

9).Q: Why do Wimbledon fans carry lighters round with them?
A: Because they lose all their matches!

from a Benfica's fan: kiki

.NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them into space. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, " This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff. "
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced,"This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff."
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the Astronaut shouted: " I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
:b Hugs,kiki

.BABY ASTRONAUT :
-How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
-You rock-et.

.-What's in an astronaut's FAVORITE sandwich?
-Launch meat.

.-What was the astronaut doing on the computer?
-Looking for the space bar.
kk

.A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs.

The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand.
The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck.
The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.

The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.

The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow.

The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck.

So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
kk

.Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
-The American decided to take along his wife,
-the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst
-the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"
hugs,kk

1. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants!
2. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
3. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.D
4. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
5. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.
6. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".
7. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise it will digest itself .
8. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
9. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
10. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

.There was a redhead, a brunette, and a blond who were all astronauts.
The redhead told the others that she was one of the people first to orbit Earth.
The brunette told the others that she was one of the first people to set foot on the moon.
The blond said,"That's nothing, we're going to be the first people on the sun."
The other two look at the blond. The redhead pipped up,"You can't go on the sun. Get anywhere close to it and you'll burn up. And IF you could get on the sun, you'd melt."
The blond replied," Not if we go at night."D

-------------------------------------------------------------------
..Why does it get dark when the sun goes down? kk

1) .Q. What kind of ticks do you find on the moon?
.Ans. Luna-ticks!

2) .Q. What kind of bulbs should you plant on the moon?
.Ans. Light bulbs! (relate with gravity)

3) .Q. What is an astronaut's favorite meal?
.Ans. Launch! (pronunciation sound)D

4) .Q. What kinds of songs do planets like to sing?
.Ans. Nep-tunes!

5) .Q. What kind of poem can you find in outer space?
.Ans. .Uni-verse!

6) .Q. What did the astronaut cook for lunch?
.Ans. An unidentified frying object! (UFO)

7) .Q. How did the astronaut serve dinner in outer space?
.Ans. On flying saucers!

8) .Q. Why is it that Capt. Kirk never tells Marsian jokes at a party.
.Ans. There may be some at the party.